Fancy a game of Dropoly?

It was during my lunch break today, on the way back from Chicken Licken via Exclusive Books to collect my copy of Black and Beautiful: Swimsuit Edition that I stumbled upon this little gem proudly brought to you by SARU and my very own uncle, P Divvy:

DROPOLY – The board game with extra kick... Because the game’s not over ‘til the very last drop(goal).

Players: 1 – 8
Ages: 18 years and older
Setup time: 10 – 12 minutes
Playing time: 80 minutes
Skills required: NONE!! Just a bottle (or 8) Kellerprinz Late Harvest, Capenheimer , Autumn Harvest Crackling or Witzenberg Stein..

The Rules:
Every player needs to take a sip from his/her drink whenever any of the following happens during the match:

• Sky’s “Sideline commentator” Tony Johnson starts yelling vivaciously, and in the process also “jizz in his pants” when Richie McCaw creates a turnover. (‘Cause let’s face it, NO other player in world rugby quite does it for Tony like the All Black skipper....)
• Ruan Pienaar misses a penalty or conversion
• It sounds as if Grant Fox is going to start crying when the referee awards a penalty against the All Blacks
• The camera crew film yet another one of Cape Town’s coloured community wearing an All Blacks jersey in the stands
• Danie Rossouw drops the ball/knocks on
• The All Blacks lose a line out
• Bismarck du Plessis hits one of the opposition with a late tackle, only to apologise 0.28 seconds later, gesturing it was all unintentional and accidental
• Anyone of the Sky commentators mentions any one of the words “altitude”, “veldt” or “above sea level” in a phrase/sentence
• The camera crew show P Divvy and Dick Muir hugging and kissing in the coaching booth
• Francois Steyn has an attempt at a long range drop goal
• Ma’a Nonu decides to take on the defence instead of passing the ball
• Chilliboy Ralapele makes a cameo appearance with less than a minute to go in the match
• All Blacks forwards coach Steve Hansen says they’ll “attempt to address the issues at line outs next week” during a post match interview
• A Springbok player, captain or one of the coaching staff says “it’s back to the drawing board for us” at the post match interview

The following will result in you downing/sculling your drink:

• Ruan Pienaar being successful with a penalty or conversion
• The last player/contestant to shout “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaassssssttt” when Tendai touches the ball
• Anyone of the Sky commentators mentions any two of the words “altitude”, “veldt” or “sea level” in the same phrase/sentence.
• Danie Rossouw manages to hold on to a pass
• Steve Hansen claiming the All Blacks hooker and locks actually did practise line outs at their training sessions during the week
• Graham Henry mentions the word “composure” at the post match interview

Geez.... Looksh loik "hic".. a lot of... "hic".... fun to me, raaightsh??

Hou dit regtig, my huisie!! (Keep it real, my homey!)

Phat Pik

Phat Pik and his uncle.

Dear Phat Pik,

Let me start by offering an apology for not attending aunty Mavis’ birthday party last night. It’s just that I’ve been experiencing some serious problems with my car since the Lions arrived in the country. Matters seem to take a turn for the worst last night when my (SARU sponsored, of course) jalopy broke down on the way home from training. Luckily Oregan has given me the name of a white mechanic this time, which at least means I can keep taking the bloory thing back until the problem’s fixed. I should be back on the road again tomorrow, or so I hope.. You never know with mechanics.....

So, did you enjoy the game on Saturday? (Dêmmit that reminds me I must still thank Arthrob for scoring you those tickets on the Northern Pavilion!!) Anycase, it was a “lekke” game, hey!! As a coach who’s simply trying to be the best he can be, I can’t really put into words how proud I am of my team. Ok, if you insist, I suppose I can try… Like the mighty Julius Caesar once said: “Vini Vidi Fettucini” (which translates to “we came, we scored, we donnered!”)

Just a pity about Schalk’s “alleged” eye gouge, though.. Schalk assured me he’s innocent, and I stand by him and am convinced he didn’t do it. He said he just lost his balance while hitting the first ruck after kickoff, and before he could say “tutu”, Luke Fitzgerald grabbed his fingers and jammed it in his face, trying to gouge his own eyes!! Schalk was as surprised as the Lions supporters when referee Berdos send him to the bin, and said he really felt sorry for Fitzgerald when the crowd started jeering him. It’s not nice to have a player experience that from his supporters, you know, but then again… it’s rugby we’re talking about here and not dancing, hey…. Speaking of dancing – Bakkies was very emotional after learning of Michael Jackson’s passing on Friday, so he vowed to do a bit of moon walking on the field as a sort of tribute to MJ. Pity one of the Hair Bears had to be in the way at that exact moment...Mind you, the way Andrew Sheridan groped Andries Bekker in the 61st minute you could probably put money on the fact that he’s also a bit of a Michael Jackson fan..

So ja, it’s quite difficult to remain focused and humble at this time. We’ve clinched the series, all thanks to my experience and coaching ability. But to be honest with you I don’t understand why there was ever such a fuss made about Ian Mcgeechan? I mean, to put it in simple, understandable English – Mohamed looked up one sunny morning at the mountain; refused to give in to the warthog and in the end got the ice cream as dessert.... I simply out coached him, Phat Pik!

But, hey.. Do you think he’s congratulated me since? Maybe even take the time to send a sms to say “Pieter, you’re fantastic, and if only I knew how to make super substitutions like yourself it might’ve been different!!! But no, Phat Pik: NOTHING!! It’s a bit like a rabbit that crosses the road safely for 28 times, only to be run over by a 5 ton truck the very next time.. I guess life is not fair..

Ok, probably time for me to get back to the training session and do what I do best. You know, the early frog never catches swine flu..
I’ll ask Arthrob to leave the tickets at the team hotel for you again, just like last weekend.

Keep it real my homey
Your uncle, the champion
P Divvy

• Phat Pik is Big Pik's black cousin... A bit more gangster, but with the same passion..

Hairier moments

If it's not the Stormers running out of puff (yet again..) at Newlands, or the Proteas rolling over against Aussie on day 5 at the Wanderers, it's Liverpool drawing another blank in the Premier League, to only slip further behind Man Utd in the title race. And no, not another goalles draw at Anfield, but this time a 2-0 defeat to Middlesborough. Yip, you heard right!! That's "defeat", and not a so called "respectable" one against another one of the alleged "Big 4" clubs, but to relegation strugglers Middlesborough. Middlesborough!! M-I-D-D-L-E-S-B-O-R-O-U-G-H, for vark steaks!!!!

Add to that a feeling of utter disappointment after a hopeful search on the internet, to only learn that NO other team in our universe (come on, EP's Mighty Elephants.. get with the program!), not even Boudjellal's Toulon ('cause let's face it they currently have just about every "has been" on their books.. ) were willing to make a "Luke-rative" offer for the son-of-Cheeky's services over the weekend.. An offer which promises to take him out of Cape Town forever!! And, to just top it all off nicely, I had to sit through the Carling Cup Final early on Monday morning to see Man Utd win (yet) another trophy this season... When it rains, it pours, hey!!

So, it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise if I'm not too keen on having a yarn about the weekend's rugby, cricket and soccer (sorry... football!) results.

No, instead, I thought I should say something about hairstyles and player images..

WTF?? Hairstyles? Now hold on: You might find it strange that a baldy like myself is willing to go that direction, but all I can say is that it's easy for the mind to go astray when your teams are playing as kak as mine are at the moment!

So, here are some of the hairstyles or "looks" that got my attention over the weekend: (feel free to add some of your own personal favourites, just in case I missed any)

Casey Laulala: Looks more like he belongs in the LA Lakers starting line up these days.

Nick Cummins: All together now: "ta na naa naaah... ta na na na naaah... ta na naah naah naaah!! It's the final countdooooown!" To quote Phil Kearns, the Force Flyer has got the "Europe look" going rather nicely!

Luka Modric: Ok, Kane has given me loads of abuse in the past for saying "I don't mind Tottenham", so it's nothing against Spurs, BUT can somebody please tell the little Croatian nobody takes a guy with an alice band seriously!! Never! Just look at Nathan Bracken.. I'm sure he would've made the test team on a regular basis if it wasn't for that ridiculous look.. Only Schalk Burger might be able to pull that one off if he wanted to, and only just....

Aaron Lennon: Another Spurs player... Can someone please explain the "Vanilla-Ice-GT -stripes-in-my-eyebrows" look? Wasn't that "hip" and "cool" in 1989?? Co-incidentally also the last time Liverpool won the league....

Taniela Moa and Benoit Assou-Ekotto: Moa might be playing for the Blues, but he caught the eye along with his fellow "braid"brother, Assou-Ekotto at Spurs. (what is it with Spurs and dodgy hairstyles??). Moa is a 108kg scrumhalf/half back, so I wouldn't dare making fun of him, but it's no wonder Assou-Ekotto is such a dreadful defender... Should come as no surprise, really... He probably doesn't have any energy left to run around on the field after platting his hair before a match.

Schalk Burger: Nothing bad to say about The Schalk's look. Was just wondering if I'm the only one who noticed a massive dip in form since he shaved his hair? A case of Samson losing his strength, perhaps?

Till next time

Big Pik