Phat Pik and his uncle.

Dear Phat Pik,

Let me start by offering an apology for not attending aunty Mavis’ birthday party last night. It’s just that I’ve been experiencing some serious problems with my car since the Lions arrived in the country. Matters seem to take a turn for the worst last night when my (SARU sponsored, of course) jalopy broke down on the way home from training. Luckily Oregan has given me the name of a white mechanic this time, which at least means I can keep taking the bloory thing back until the problem’s fixed. I should be back on the road again tomorrow, or so I hope.. You never know with mechanics.....

So, did you enjoy the game on Saturday? (Dêmmit that reminds me I must still thank Arthrob for scoring you those tickets on the Northern Pavilion!!) Anycase, it was a “lekke” game, hey!! As a coach who’s simply trying to be the best he can be, I can’t really put into words how proud I am of my team. Ok, if you insist, I suppose I can try… Like the mighty Julius Caesar once said: “Vini Vidi Fettucini” (which translates to “we came, we scored, we donnered!”)

Just a pity about Schalk’s “alleged” eye gouge, though.. Schalk assured me he’s innocent, and I stand by him and am convinced he didn’t do it. He said he just lost his balance while hitting the first ruck after kickoff, and before he could say “tutu”, Luke Fitzgerald grabbed his fingers and jammed it in his face, trying to gouge his own eyes!! Schalk was as surprised as the Lions supporters when referee Berdos send him to the bin, and said he really felt sorry for Fitzgerald when the crowd started jeering him. It’s not nice to have a player experience that from his supporters, you know, but then again… it’s rugby we’re talking about here and not dancing, hey…. Speaking of dancing – Bakkies was very emotional after learning of Michael Jackson’s passing on Friday, so he vowed to do a bit of moon walking on the field as a sort of tribute to MJ. Pity one of the Hair Bears had to be in the way at that exact moment...Mind you, the way Andrew Sheridan groped Andries Bekker in the 61st minute you could probably put money on the fact that he’s also a bit of a Michael Jackson fan..

So ja, it’s quite difficult to remain focused and humble at this time. We’ve clinched the series, all thanks to my experience and coaching ability. But to be honest with you I don’t understand why there was ever such a fuss made about Ian Mcgeechan? I mean, to put it in simple, understandable English – Mohamed looked up one sunny morning at the mountain; refused to give in to the warthog and in the end got the ice cream as dessert.... I simply out coached him, Phat Pik!

But, hey.. Do you think he’s congratulated me since? Maybe even take the time to send a sms to say “Pieter, you’re fantastic, and if only I knew how to make super substitutions like yourself it might’ve been different!!! But no, Phat Pik: NOTHING!! It’s a bit like a rabbit that crosses the road safely for 28 times, only to be run over by a 5 ton truck the very next time.. I guess life is not fair..

Ok, probably time for me to get back to the training session and do what I do best. You know, the early frog never catches swine flu..
I’ll ask Arthrob to leave the tickets at the team hotel for you again, just like last weekend.

Keep it real my homey
Your uncle, the champion
P Divvy

• Phat Pik is Big Pik's black cousin... A bit more gangster, but with the same passion..