Sunday, August 15, 2010

Invictus - Big Pik review

I know nothing about making movies. In fact, I probably know nothing about rugby, since I still support the Stormers after what feels like 27 lean seasons. But boy... I've seen Invictus twice now (and just in case "The Piracy Police" is reading - the first time I actually paid to see it on the "Big Screen". Along with the pop corn, the coke, the lollies oraait!!) and also read some of the expert movie critics' reviews. It just made me think it's about time somebody who actually has a passion for the oval ball game also has something to say it.

Now, the plan is not to spoil the movie for anyone. Well, the plot is pretty obvious then isn't it! (Unless you're an AB's supporter who's been working holidaying in Siberia for the last 15 years that is... In that case: We win, you lose, they all lived happily ever after. The End!)
But, ok on an attempted serious note - here is my recollection of the movie.

I must admit I was pumped when I heard Clint Eastwood was appointed/decided to be the director of a movie based on John Carlin's book Playing the Enemy. I felt the same when I read Matt Damon (Maaaaaattt Daaaamoooonn!! Ok, if you haven't seen Team America forget about it..) would play the part of Francois Pienaar in this movie. And to top it off - Morgan Freeman as our beloved Madiba! I mean really: Morgan Freeman probably looks more like Nelson Mandela than the great man himself! "Legen... wait for it... DAIRY!!! "
But hey, thinking back - I was probably just flattered that the Springboks and SA would actually get a bit of a "Hollywood feel" to it and that a movie was going to be made about 1 of the top 3 days of my life so far. (in no particular order: the 2007 rugby world cup final and my wedding day make up the list.. Well, I had to put the wedding day in there, hey Liefie.. haha just kidding!)
But still - I was rapt! I started the research immediately. I read John Carlin's book (thanks for the b'day pressie Sus!) and it was with great expectation (and in great anticipation) that I took my seat in the movie theatre that Sunday afternoon. But eish... At one stage I thought "Joost's acting" in that white socks movie of his was more believable than Clint Eastwood's perception of a rugby movie.
Now, the idea is not to pi$$ Clint off, 'cause his .44 Magnum is probably not too far away- but the following are just a few things of the movie that really irritated me:
  • 11th of February 1990 - The day Nelson Mandela was released from prison. Clintie, you're right. It was a Sunday afgterooon. I might've been only 14 years old, but I don't think I'll ever forget that day, 'cause we were there and living in the moment. I just find it a little bit difficult to belive DF Malan's u/14 or u/16 P rugby team actually had a rugby practice that day. On a Sunday?? And also on the day Nelson Mandela's convoy of cars are heading through the streets of Belville on their way to the Parade in Cape Town's CBD? With that "other ninja" Hennie Bosman with a "lekker fiek Suff Effricen" accent as their coach telling his team "all about dêt terrorist Mandela".
  • After the game at Kings Park when Matt Damon says "you're right, it does taste like $hit!" and moers his beer can against the wall: I'm not so sure against who the Boks lost this game? Francois Pienaar played one test for the Boks in Durban before the '95 World Cup, but that was against France during June of 1993. And the result in that game was a draw, 20-20.. Also funny how Lion Lager was the big sponsor of Springbok rugby during the early to mid '90s, but the players in the movie are drinking some weird, unknown brew in the changing room after the game? No wonder it tastes like $hit, Matty! Down a Lion, feel satisfied, my bru! (or is that brew, bru? Geez..)
  • The cool as ice white police officer who never bothers to take off his sunglasses, and that irritating gorilla of a Springbok rugby player who wants to boicot everything his "cappy" suggests, feeble attempts at the Saffa accent: I get the impression Clint blew his whole budget on Damon and Freeman's salaries here.. Were there no South African "actors" available for any of the other parts in the movie which involved a bit of dialogue, Clint? Was District 9's Wikus (Sharlto Copley) busy on the weekend you filmed those scenes?? Can you imagine how Jonah Lomu would've kakked his pants if Wikus had to shout "get your vokieng tenticles out of my face" after the first tackle??
  • The character Johan de Villiers, the rugby journo: Ok, I know the problem lies with me here, Clintie.. But I struggle to take a rugby pundit seriously when his only other "credentials" on his cv states "starring in the role of a security guard in the movie Lipstiek Dipstiek!" "if you even think about moving, I shoot you dattie kak spat!" If I was David van der Sandt, I would've been pretty de moer in, 'cause it was his impromptu interview with Francois Pienaar after the final whistle on that amazing day at Ellis Park that included quotes that even Mister Hollywood Eastwood couldn't have scripted better - "Francois, fantastic support from 63,000 South Africans here today" tv anchorman David van der Sandt said straight after the Boks had beaten the mighty All Blacks in the final. Without missing a beat, Pienaar replied: "David, we didn't have the support of 63,000 South Africans today, we had the support of 42 million South Africans." Eish, MAGIC!
  • Chester Williams: Someone obviously gave Clint footage of the Springboks 1998 test match against Wales at Loftus, instead of the 1995 RWC campaign.. How else do you explain the casting of Macneil Hendriks in the role of Chessie???
  • The Nkosi Sikelel' i Afrika singing session in the hotel: "Raait, Cappy"... Surprise, surprise but it's again our friend "the gorilla" who doesn't want to co-operate. Geez, is it just me, or is this guy a bit negative? Can't someone just tell Matt to pull a Jason Bourne on this guy's a$$ and sort him out? Note to Cappy: Gorilla is kak for the morale in the team!!
  • Opening game against the Wallabies at Newlands: In the Hollywood version the Boks score 3 tries. In reality they only scored twice, Clintie..(Joel Stransky and Pieter Hendriks.) In the movie there's no fist pump, and Pieter also scores the try on the right hand side of the field, not on the left in front of the Railway Stand... Sure, Hendriks and his fist pump was tappit and arrogant, but that was what made the try so bloory unforgettable!
  • The general lack of skills in the Springbok backline: Ok, I'm not talking about the EOYT team that lost against Leicester at the end of last year.. But Clint, why did you have to go and sign the most "unco mofgat" as the Springbok flyhalf in your movie? Invictus' Joel Stransky takes a lifetime to clear his line kicks and I guess if it wasn't with the help of CGI, his winning drop goal might've taken half a day and 437 takes to film.. I'm sure I could've given you the names of at least 10 better "voetballers" who would've been willing to star in your movie with only a bottle of Klippies as their preferred method of remuneration. They also can't act, but a word of advice: If you want your audience to believe your nr 10 is the general of your team, then he should at least appear to have a bit of balance and I mustn't be fearing for his safety or think he's going to fall over his own blêrrie feet the whole time during the movie! Or to put it in American terms for you - you don't get Superbad's Mclovin to star in the role of Tom Brady or Peyton Manning in a movie about winning the Superbowl! Use it, don't use it...
  • Jonah Lomu: Eish...The poor dude who had to play Jonah. I felt sorry for him! How many times do you think he had to be tackled during filming? "OK, the guys in the green jerseys to tackle Jonah - take 182. Aaaaand ACTION!" Ps - Laurie Mains: I think I know where you guys went wrong. Your game plan was only to give it to Jonah. Too predictable!
  • Brendan Venter, Andrew Mehrtens and Jeff Wilson: Ok, for once I am not complaining here. I have to give the casting director a bit of credit. Both Venter and Mehrts characters come complete with big ears. Very realistic here! And Jeff Wilson also has that "please bliksem me" face.. Just as he had in his playing days!
  • The last 25 seconds of the final: Cringe!!! The players sound like retards while everything is happening in slow motion. "ooooohhh... aaaaah!!" WTF?? I also seriously doubt if Francois Pienaar had time to stare at the clock winding down for the last 20 seconds of the game while the rest of his team mates were putting bodies on the line to defend their lead.

So, there you have it. Clint, you'll probably just shrug your shoulders, tell me to get lost and show me your Academy Awards as counter, but for me the most emotional moment of your movie was at the end when the credits started rolling and I saw the still shots of the REAL '95 Rugby World Cup Springboks and Nelson Mandela. THAT gave me goose bumps!

Hou dit regtig, my huisie!

Big Pik

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